bnb

things ain't the same

2011-02-14T17:19:00.002-06:00

here's something you hardly ever hear someone say:
i suffer from mental illness.

but i'm saying it. it's true. and i can say this now, publically, unashamed, somewhat brashly but sincerely, because i've seen improvement. i have started down the path toward developing a healthy, "normal" ability to manage my life. and it's important for me to say this now because i've entered into a new part of my story. i'm a new person -- a person many people haven't gotten the chance to know. and that's okay. but if i'm ever going to show you, then i have to give you a starting point and i have to tell you: you're going to see a work in progress.

i realize that, for many people, this is not important to say. but for me, it is. because if you're going to be my friend, my family, close to me in any way, then this is an important part of who i am.

so i guess i'm making this post as a metaphor for the reset button. this is where we start to build. this is point A.

if you think you knew me before, you might have known some big pieces, but probably not so much of the whole. for you to know the whole, i have to share the progress i've made in the last couple years. so imma do that now. love you for caring.

peace to you.
M.

coffee field trip, TC: part one

2010-11-03T13:09:00.011-05:00

today i fell into a great special project for work. for the last few weeks, i've been a full-time barista @astercafe. for those of you who have visited our humble little spot on the mississippi and enjoyed, thank you. for those of you who have visited and wondered why there isn't more cafe in the cafe, hold tight. yours truly and a bunch of my cohorts behind the hand-made wooden bar are moving forward with some ideas to increase the credentials of our coffee program.

some of you might be familiar with our creativity as a result of our inventive cafe kitchen or our lineup of tea-infused cocktails. well, the goal of the coffee program is to gain ground on the rest of our menu. soon, for instance, we will introduce some house-made recipes for specialty winter espresso (and non-espresso) drinks. and hopefully, soon after that, we'll introduce a few new brewing techniques.

in an effort to determine what will work and not work at the aster, i spent the morning travelling to some locally renowned coffee spots with my barista-in-crime, @laurabrownart.
(who will hopefully also take this cue to blog about her thoughts and the fine mugs she purchased!)

our first stop was the new dogwood coffee in calhoun square, uptown minneapolis.
i'm well acquainted with dogwood from their time as bull run roasting co., partners with rustica bakery in calhoun village. while this partnership persists, i'm super psyched to see greg, @the_keith, and all the best baristas from the old place moving into new digs.

so first thing's first: one can't really call dogwood a coffee "shop", can they? the expanse of open room and cabinetry transports you to a different place in so many ways. with three separate bars, one dedicated to customer service, one to espresso, and one to coffee, the layout is great. it blends so well with calhoun square's recent facelift. the small cafe area has a street-facing, rough hewn, wooden countertop with urban-industrial metal barstools for patrons to log onto the wifi or simply sip their la ilusion (el salvador and watch the beautiful people walk toward the new apple/columbia/urban trifecta across henepin avenue. with a few simply placed cafe tables, it's a seating area that is destined to fill up fast, but one that doesn't overstate its necessity.

and then there was the coffee. i am a big fan of dogwood's light-roast espresso (actually, a big light-roast fan in general) and i have to say that kayla nailed this latte. even upon the last sip, i was amazed at the balance between the sweetness of the milk and the caramel essence of the espresso. pictured also is what used to be a brioche bread with orange flour and almond. i say "used to be" because i destroyed it.

i won't go on about the coffee itself. i think most savvy coffee geeks know that dogwood/bull run knows what they're doing. any feeble attempt to dig deeper into the subtleties they are working with would certainly not do their work justice. all in all, i left dogwood thoroughly impressed, even more so than i expected having gone in as a fan. simply put, shut down your computer or mobile, take two hours of your day off, and drive over right now. you'll thank me.

from dogwood, lb and i hopped in the car and headed over to @angrycatfish. i had been to the mpls bike and coffee bar once, about three or four days after they opened, and i'll be honest: it wasn't impressive.

given any restaurant's penchant, however, for opening before the details are ironed out, i wanted to overlook the absolute cluster that i experienced the first time and give them another chance. after all, this is a research trip. and, after all, catfish has some loyals. they have to be doing something right.

this visit was definitely an improvement over what i last experienced, but i was once again underwhelmed by AC. their laid back approach to everything makes perfect sense, considering they're as much (if not more) bicycle shop than they are coffee bar. however, the fact that they are one of the few places in the city lucky enough to serve intelligentsia, is reason enough to expect that the coffee platform here should be taken seriously.

after ordering what turned out to be a delicious organic ethiopian (prepared in the 8 oz. hario pour over), and lb having what was reportedly a more-than-decent latte, we settled into the oversized couch and talked about what we thought.

the coffee, we agreed, was outstanding. the barista, we agreed, adorable. however, other than the shelves adorned with the multitude of brewers and the handsome espresso bar, there was nothing about AC that gave one to get too excited about it as a coffee destination.

To be fair, anyone who is a hardcore bicylist and is willing to overlook the terrible location of AC, or anyone who is a huge intellifan and is too tempted by the goodies @cakeeaterbakery should absolutely head to the catfish. but for our purposes, i found AC to be no more than a bike shop where very good coffee seems more afterthought and coincidence than it does a purposeful business platform.

this weekend, i'm travelling to portland for the first time, and i expect to spend a lot of time exploring this coffee-mecca's many cafes for good ideas i can borrow. and next week, i will cross the mighty mississippi and explore a couple of our twin city's finest cafes. until then, please come into the aster, say hello, and imbibe on something your curiosity can't resist.

M.

back to basics

2010-08-31T20:13:00.003-05:00

well, it's been a while, hasn't it? nearly a year has passed since i officially went awol and even longer since i've blogged anything of value.

i hope you won't mind that i am not sharing the "since we've last met" portion of that time. it's sufficient to say that my life has changed quite a bit. what i will tell you is that my life is happier in ways, and far less in some others. all in all, i am depressed fewer days of the year and enjoying weekends in tents more often.

i do not promise that i will be a frequent blogger, or that i will have anything to say that you will find interesting. links to my last few years of growing up, including the poetry which was a big part of it, are still over on the right. my twitter feed is on the left, and that's where you'll find me most of the time.

there are, however, nights like tonight when i am home alone with candles, beer, and incense, thinking. and on nights like tonight, those thoughts will likely exceed 140 characters. and so there may be longer posts here.

i am not the same michael you have seen here before. but i hope that you will recognize some of him in my continued attempt to possess good spirit.

M.

hiatus

2009-11-17T21:44:00.001-06:00

it's really not fair to claim to claim i'm taking a hiatus, considering i haven't blogged in three months, but this is just a note to let you know i am.

take care of yourself. stay warm. drink lots of fluids.

M.

a house of cards 2

2009-08-12T17:12:00.004-05:00

[author's note: i tend to be verbose, and say more than is necessary, as evidenced by this sentence, which is both wordy and redundant. in an effort to practice active self-awareness, i'm going to do my best to write this post in as few words as possible. after all, it's about art. and art is less without the inclusion of the observer's interpretation. and now, the post...]

in my home, there is a door:

the door, as you can see, has a large piece of wood covering what i can only deduce is some type of damage from the previous resident.

i would like to cover this wood, both because i find it to be an eyesore and because i consider it to be a canvas.

simultaneously, i am doing a lot of thinking about my life (which is recently in flux, and probably deserves an entry all its own).

this caused me to think about life in general, perhaps your life.

this stirred curiosity.

so what are you supposed to do now? well, help me cover the door. but truly, if this generates the interest i'd like it to, you can help me cover my home...everything...the walls, even the ceiling, maybe.

here's what i'd like you to do:

1. purchase a postcard.

2. on the postcard, put your life story. (challenged? good.)

3. mail it to me at:

SOVIETS

2542 ulysses st. ne

first floor

minneapolis, mn

55418

4. check back here for tales, photos, links, etc.

easy [and not too wordy], right?

a house of cards

2009-08-08T07:31:00.001-05:00

there is a big art project in my brain. i'm figuring it out day by day. you could be involved, if you care to be, and have fifty cents and a life story.

more details to come.

blocks

2009-06-27T10:49:00.001-05:00

worn wood
three by three inch cubes
slightly larger than we can grasp
our hands have grown
but they fail us still

puzzle parts
smelling of cedar
or sandalwood
these once held their grain
in wonderful waves of chocolate and tea
but now are flat, dark, disinterested squares
who tell their story in whispered tones

time is sometime unintentionally unkind,
and the weather cannot help but be

water and wind

2009-05-23T12:00:00.002-05:00

those of you whom read the poems on this blog (pretty sure i know every one of you) know that, for the last few years i have written these works along a thread. winter poems, sometimes spring or summer, rarely autumn (must be the hopeful soul inside me that doesn't want to ever admit things die and fall away) have decorated the broadcast for a long time.

i told someone once that these poems, and their narrator (hopelessly lost, full of despair and only happy memories, in a forest with only elusive exits) were a result of my own indulgent desperation. an although i can never swear off this narrator that lives inside my heart and soul and mind, i think that autumn has finally come to this thread of writings. many things have changed, and are changing. and my work seems to be moving away from this theme. these changes have shown up in my more recent writings, which obviously scream of sex and sweat. but i am unsure whether that is a new thread or not.

perhaps for now, i'm writing just to say thank you. thank you for keeping this man company during his exploration of a dark and cold wood. he is not leaving it. we are (maybe only temporarily) letting him have his time alone. there is an oncoming newness to things, and i can feel it as surely as i can feel these keys beneath my fingers.

i look forward to this new thread...the unknown one...that is rising at eye level. i hope, as always, that it will find meaning through your reading.

M.

i slip suddenly

2009-05-12T11:24:00.002-05:00

i can taste you still
on my lips
and on my body

fingers tucked in secret spaces
heat and soft and nerves

i can feel you still

no rain or river
can wash this clean

i slip suddenly
into my own place

unfulfilled and freezing

the moon

2009-04-14T11:16:00.002-05:00

she hangs above the trees
smiling a full glowing grin on my plain little eyes

the smoke from this small springtime fire
dances around her curve

fingers locked behind my head
i slowly slumber
dreaming i can touch her

lifting

2009-03-22T19:10:00.001-05:00

somewhere up there
i smell clean, fresh air
and suddenly it seems
as if it's worth
lifting my head

like breathing

2009-03-19T21:13:00.003-05:00

i don't remember
the feeling of air in these lungs
it's been ages
since they opened

you are alive and well
and i am missing the world i knew
and all its joys
like breathing

hello, my name is michael

2009-03-05T23:26:00.002-06:00

i cannot remember the last time i actually sat down and wrote a blog posting just for the hell of it. you know, it's normally poems up here these days. and there was the year end "issue", which i wouldn't count as an official blog posting.

so hi. i'm michael. how are you?

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and none of it productive. but tonight, i had a good conversation with a friend that really struck me as something worth writing about. she reminded me that i am the kind of person who just can't seem to figure out how to live without the intention of being as true to myself as possible. and that's key for me to remember.

while other people are content to put on different faces in different situations, i've just never had much of a desire to develop that skill. and, i'm probably a bit brash and unapologetic about it. it has its downfalls, certainly. there are times when those kinds of things come in handy. it makes life a lot less difficult if you can manage it.

but my friend reminded me tonight that i can't do anything about who i am at this moment except to accept it. and that's awfully inspiring. i'm not perfect. i need a lot of work in a lot of areas. and i, whether people believe it or not, am as open as they come to constructive criticism. i think what makes me different from most people, and what leads to false perceptions about me, is that i'm not willing to fake it for anyone or for any reason. when you talk to me, you get what you get.

ugh...now this feels like a livejournal, but whatev. i hope you're well.

M.

the rain

2009-02-13T07:54:00.002-06:00

when it comes
it comes hard
(harder than you'd have ever expected)

and it's fingers fill
every hard to reach crack
and crevice
and it's feet bring up
every sort of unknown dust

it's hot
where you expected quenching
it does not wash
it pelts

why would anyone pray for rain?

the thing you want (that you cannot have)

2009-01-20T20:34:00.003-06:00

dead bare trees
against sky blue violet orange skies
their frozen arms waiting for life
cannot block its beauty completely
too big
too much
but on the backdrop of this morning
bold and black
do just enough to hold me from it
until this moment is gone
only to come again

2008 year in review

2008-12-13T20:47:00.004-06:00

i've been trying to think for a few weeks about how i'll address this year on the broadcast. i'm still not entirely sure. this year might have been the most challenging one of my life. and there is a good deal about twothousandandeight that i have not made public, except through my poems. but in reading my twothousandandseven year in review, i have discovered that there is one thing i know about myself now that i did not know then. i am not as capable as i thought of unending positivity. and so, when you read this list, please read it with that in mind. not with worry, for all things wear.

2008

i have never had better good friends
or fewer
every.thing.changes.
i can play guitar after all
but i do not shred
i still don't know who i am
neither does anyone i know
my beard is pretty alright, even with a bald spot
the dharma might not be my way
i still don't care enough to lose the weight
i could give my heart away at any moment
i like riding shotgun better than driving
duluth
the good people like you if you're just you
the good life is not always the good life
bluegrass is not just for hillbillies
qwerty is worth it...twice
coffee is not a beverage, it's a lover
the steelers still miss the bus
i hate the red wings more than i ever hated the patriots
i was a jerk to too many people
i may never cut my hair
anger sucks
sweaters and jeans are the new hoodies and khakis
public radio is bomb
i will never understand why everyone doesn't go to therapy
you don't have to play games
it hurts to tell people how you feel
but it hurts worse not to be able to
you never know everything you think you do
and sometimes you should be glad
the people you think you're close to don't always miss you
the people you don't think miss you sometimes come around
sigur ros made a video in the nude? awesome.
boundaries don't always keep you safe.
i could go.

2009, i would love to make you mine.

M.

on the north road

2008-12-13T20:31:00.003-06:00

i am breathing noise

there is no room
in this air
for silence

every bit is filled
with your voice and hers
making cases for waiting
or moving

my desire is seventy miles an hour
and nothing but easy

fit

2008-12-05T07:35:00.002-06:00

shoulder blades
and palms
cheeks
and ears
hips
and thighs

we are praying for osmosis

the shore

2008-12-01T15:26:00.002-06:00

my toes are freezing
i haven't noticed the rising tide
instead i'm dreaming

i can taste the salty skin of your neck
feel the way it pinches between my teeth
and lips

i can feel the heat of you
not quite touching
just wanting

i left my courage with my senses
to float out to sea

i live forever on this dream
while you are somewhere
not looking for me

untitled

2008-11-16T21:51:00.002-06:00

i can't remember
the last time
it felt this cold

no spark lives
for more than a moment
in this brittle
november night air

stars are screaming
for me to start wishing

i somehow sleep
and dream of july

echolocation

2008-11-08T08:54:00.002-06:00

i thought last night
that i heard traffic
on a nearby avenue
rushing by

but it is only the wind in the trees

i am sobbing
chapped and frozen
all my screams
come bouncing back

you cannot hear what i am saying

small new broadcast

2008-10-08T18:06:00.003-05:00

quickly...since the blog is pretty much poetry and an occassional rant these days, i've decided to get hip with the cool cat funky fresh times, g money. at the right you will see a link (and the feed) for small new broadcast, my new twitter account. this will allow me to blog the hysterical one liners (about everything from: how much i love the jimmy john's number 6, no cucumbers, to how awesome duluth is. lots of that about duluth, i suspect). and, i'll be able to do it all from my cell.
oh boy, look at me go.

namaste
M.

the largest lake

2008-09-29T18:00:00.002-05:00

i cannot see the end of this lake
against the horizon
just light blue blending
ground and water and sky

i would have brought you here
a year ago
to share the scene

but nothing means the same thing
now
and i think that might be alright

untitled

2008-09-26T20:50:00.003-05:00

i dreamed
there would never be snow again
or rain
or the unbearable heat of july twenty

and i had all the water i could drink
and i had all the bread i could ever eat

in my dream
i woke to find it true
and hoped that you should shake me
before that moment when my eyes open to find it so

but you never do
and i wonder

is this that moment?

thickness

2008-09-16T16:47:00.002-05:00

i am pinned
under this humid air
suffocating
aching
and making no effort
to breathe

will you please
carry me home
before it's too late?

for you, a fire

2008-09-03T17:08:00.006-05:00

for you, a fire i will carry
in these bare hands
to light the way

this path is winding
and unknown,
as all paths are

and i am charged
with keeping us
from stumbling

no
the flames do not leave me feeling
more than a tingle

like branding

2008-08-30T07:34:00.002-05:00

in my mind
i touch your face
and you understand
all the words i've ever said

but with eyes open
my hands in water flowing

my skin burns at its going

if another person tells me to be realistic, i think i might throw up.

2008-08-29T17:36:00.004-05:00

okay. that's too harsh.

here's a quote i have hanging on the cube wall that puts my feelings on this issue in the proper perspective:

"i am not realistic. god save us all from realism if it means we have to limit our vision for the world."
--no impact man

i want to break out. i want to do what feels right. most of all, i want everyone to understand that i just can't not.

namaste
M.

a memory

2008-08-27T20:15:00.002-05:00

the sweet sting of salt in my eyes
i can taste your skin still
alone by this fire
turning the embers
the way we rocked in tandem
the tips of my fingers
slipping boundaries of cotton and heat
this is the one i cannot give away
this is the one i will hold forever

buzz

2008-08-19T19:06:00.002-05:00

i should have held you tighter
i could have made you forget

and now i'm awake
and i can't

squeeze

2008-08-16T18:23:00.002-05:00

i remember the night we were in london
you looked at me
like no one ever has

we walked down rainy streets
you held my arm like you were holding onto my soul

now i live among the trees
thinking of you
missing your scent
in the foggy air

clear

2008-08-13T21:03:00.003-05:00

coming up for air
i find myself in shallow water
ankle deep
pants matted

looking over shoulder toward the shore
hesitating

hope is enough to kill you

air and water

2008-08-08T20:35:00.002-05:00

cool night air
burns inside
my skin against the softness of the blanket
where i should not be alone

immersed
hope is all there is
i neither sink
nor float
but remain between

will you ever give me breath?

the wall

2008-08-07T20:43:00.003-05:00

this high cliff intersects my path
not looking down
but up

how long will it take to get around this mountain?

untitled

2008-08-04T18:30:00.000-05:00

it is too dark
to see
if this is the exit.

standing still is torture.

paces

2008-08-01T21:15:00.001-05:00

i count the steps between this space and that
carefully

this old path
worn to the feel of my footsteps
these tiny branches
begging for time to be reborn

here there is a new one
clear and flat
i can hear the relief
of its rushing stream

where is my heart going without my mind?

like sweating

2008-07-29T17:51:00.003-05:00

it pulls and pulls until it's free.
i cannot stand the feeling.
i stand, arms spread, and head thrown back,
begging for the sun.

laryngitis

2008-07-25T20:54:00.003-05:00

i walk away while you rest
you are content
and i cannot quell my curiosity
that was ten days ago
and i haven't left this tunnel yet

i do not wonder if you miss me

kite string II

2008-07-15T20:59:00.003-05:00

a long time ago, i wrote about kite string. i would link that entry to this one, but having just re-read it, i'm not sure it would be worth it. if you care to dig it up, it's an entry from 2005.

lately, i've been tying quite a ball of knots. my anxiety is through the roof, i have created more problems for myself than i can handle, and frankly i feel as if everything may come completely undone.

but tonight i am not writing to complain. i am writing because i think that somehow, typing these letters will help me come to the realization that all things in life involve some kite string. in fact, the very nature of life might be to enjoy the portions that aren't tangled so that we remember how enjoyable they were when we're bound by the ones that are.

in the meantime, the only thing that i can control is to keep taking deep breaths, to keep love in my heart, and to stretch my perspective. easier said than done? maybe. but not untrue, nonetheless.

namaste
M.

do the math

2008-06-29T10:29:00.002-05:00

not much time to write today, but i wanted to advertise a small breakthrough. i was reminded yesterday that the root of all suffering is desire, and this time it really hit me in the guts. basically, i'm locked into this equation where i don't know anything but the sum -- and the sum = more.

now i've got to find a way out.

namaste
M.

time

2008-06-22T20:16:00.002-05:00

i struggle with time. like most of us, i never have enough of it. i can't seem to make it, or find it. and i'm constantly losing track of it.

but lately, i've been gaining some insight about time. i once told my boss that time was invented by mankind, and that i was flirting with not believing in it anymore. she told me that if that were the case, and if i continued to be late (which was, of course, the impetus of the conversation) that i would have all the time in the world to think about how unemployed i was.

but i still contend that we're doing something wrong with this concept. obviously, the vague concept of time exists, but the way we handle it is so misguided. like many things, we use time to limit ourselves.

here's something to think about: what if someone removed all of the clocks from our planet? how would things change?

next existential inquiry: money.

namaste
M.

i'm cold, i'm unconsciable

2008-06-17T18:42:00.003-05:00

or so i wish.

i wish that i had some grand entry to compose tonight. i'm alone, and i'm not at all dealing with it well. i'm a thinker, of course, and so when i'm alone, i think. and when i think, i dwell. and when i dwell, well...i hurt a lot of the time.

there isn't some new, tangible thing happening that's causing all this anxiety...just everyday human life. and as life is wont to do, it sometimes drags you through the weeds. the challenge is really keeping the proper perspective when you're in the weeds, isn't it? i mean...we all know that things come around eventually, and that the circumstances which we sometimes must endure aren't permanent. but although we know this in mind, it's not easy to believe it in heart. and, unfortunately for me, i seem to (by nature) always lead with the heart.

the irony, of course, is that my penchant for open emotion is one of my favorite parts of myself. it's definitely the part with which i'm most comfortable. and, i think, it's one of the things that brings such wonderful people into my life. in this way, it's sort of a curse, my obedience to the open heart.

but, i do know that openness brings love, and love brings compassion, and that compassion...compassion brings peace. and so i guess i'll just wait until these weeds come across the path again, and then i'll stand up.

namaste
M.

coffee

2008-06-08T09:35:00.002-05:00

if you would have told me five years ago that i could be in love with coffee, i would have told you that you were a total nut job. yet here i am, sipping an el salvador, working on training people on...well, coffee.

of course, as is my MO, there's more to it than a cupful of hot brown liquid. there's the culture, sure. but even that isn't the captivating part (although those hipster baristas...rrrow.)

i've never had anything in my life like this. usually, when i get involved in something, i eventually lose the motivation to follow through. sad, but true. i'm a starter, not a finisher. but with coffee, everything i do is so crucial to someone else, somewhere else in the world -- well, you can't give up. it's so satisfying.

namaste
M.

in through the out door (out door)

2008-06-01T08:35:00.003-05:00

this blog really needs more subtle prince drops, right a? i mean, considering i've been in the tc for nearly a year, and this is the first time i've included his short-yet-hotness on the broadcast...i should be ashamed.

but i wish the post title had more to do with the frivolity that is great pop rock music. alas, that's not my style and we all know it. rather, it refers to something with which i am really struggling at the moment. yes, this might be one of those pseudo-online-journal entries, where i explore some broken part of myself.

so some context: right now, i'm reading the matthieu ricard book happiness. ricard is a buddhist monk who has lived the dharma for more than 30 years. his upbringing, however, is one of science and philosophy. a frenchman, ricard's parents hobnobbed with some of the most prestigious of french thinkers. but upon being exposed to the dharma in his travels, he was infected with this question: how to foster and maintain a true sense of happiness. he's written several other books, not unimportantly the piece destructive emotions. but i will tell you why that story is important and relevant another time.

so in a nutshell, ricard's theory is that happiness, which is clearly something we can define in about a kazillion ways, is not just a natural inner-state. it's not so much a result at all, in fact. it's a skill. i'm starting to get my brain around it, but on an elementary level, i'm thinking of it like learning to drive. we don't learn first and then have "driving" second. we learn "driving" and then keep "driving." it's the process, not the result. same goes for happiness, i suppose. we learn that which makes us happy (truly) and then we keep doing that happiness thing until we stay happy.

but the first big challenge i've faced in the book (and r, this was my big 'light bulb moment') was that in searching for the happiness thing, i keep looking at life factors on the outside. some are more powerful than others, of course. pardon the crass nature of the example, but if you take sex for instance...sex makes me (and i presume you) happy in a sort of way. but the problem with these external forms of happiness is that they are so temporary and fleeting. i've known that for a while, it's not big news. but lately, i find my outside happiness things to be more subtle, more complex. friendship is a good example. having friendship is important, certainly. i contend that the interconnectedness of life would squash any theories that man would be happy on the moon, alone. no. we need others, and this is where it gets tricky.

ricard points out (as does the dharma) that we need to continually balance our love and compassion for ourselves and others. to do this, you truly require an open heart. now...those of you who really know me know that i have little to hide. and i wear my heart on my sleeve, almost to a fault. this attempt to have an open heart leaves me very vulnerable to the kinds of pain that we all experience: heartache, loss, jealousy...and where do you think i keep turning for relief from that pain? to the same external factors that caused them.

and so, i'm unhappy. and that's okay...i've got good perspective. and i'll be happy someday.

insert witty "part time at the five and dime" line here,

namaste
M.

ghosts of people i've been

2008-05-25T07:55:00.003-05:00

there was a great blog post here before select all freaked out.

ever wonder why you hold onto memories of people you've been? especially the disappointing moments when you faked an injury or called someone something horrible?

that's what i was thinking about today. too bad you won't get to see it.

namaste
M.

number sixspleen

2008-04-30T14:05:00.001-05:00

i promise i had nothing to do with sean avery's injury.

namaste
M.

sports

2008-04-29T07:18:00.003-05:00

i love sports. it's either something people expect, or something that blows them out of the water. i know where this love of sports comes from, but covering all that would detract from the purpose of this post. suffice it to say that there is one factor in sports that i connect with above all the others: the fact that sometimes, it's not about the game at all...it's about a new way to display human character. you will see few moments like this one in an office building or at a play. but occasionally, you'll see them on the diamond, the gridiron, the rink, or the pitch. sure, there's too much competition out there, with people acting like heroes and villains truly exist. this very evening, in fact, i'll be hoping for sean avery to get his freaking head knocked off. but as these women illustrated, when the final horn sounds, there are a lot of things that are more important than the score.

namaste
M.

the old man

2008-04-27T10:40:00.002-05:00

he has poured us coffee.

the april air is crisp.
i have not had company
in ages.
and as he whittles,
although we are wrapped in silence,
he is saying
"it's never too late."

branches

2008-04-24T20:19:00.003-05:00

we are drawn
toward the sun
like branches.

we are not
in charge.

problems

2008-04-13T08:10:00.005-05:00

let's face it. we all have problems. some of us have bigger ones than others do. lately, i've been crying over my own skinned knees. but late last night, the beginning of this post came to me, and i can't get it off my mind.

the first thing i should get out there is that i think it's always better to think globally, and for the concern of many, than to think solo. when we are focused on our selves, we create far more suffering in the world than it can hold. i know in my guts that this is true.

but isn't it peculiar that, even knowing that we're creating our own suffering, we continue to habitually practice self-sympathy? "oh, poor me...whatever shall i do?" look, it's not that some of us don't have real problems. we certainly do have challenges which may eventually be more problematic than necessary if not handled with the appropriate attention. but here's the question that needs answering: when is my effort better spent solving these individual problems, rather than the problems of many?

i've got a feeling, and i hesitate to call it a resolution, but it seems that the older i get, the closer i come to arriving at the notion that everything, and i mean everything, in this universe is about balance. this is the only law of the land (and the skies, and the everything!)

so it makes sense that we should sometimes focus on our singular problems and sometimes on our global problems. it's actually a perfect set-up when you consider the complexity of things. living only for ourselves creates an agenda of guilt and greed (whether or not we are willing to admit it.) living only for others, while noble in theory, is a fool's practice which leaves us with low self-esteem and feelings of neglect. (note: this further solidifies the work of peeps like mother theresa and HH the dalai lama as amazing individuals in history...that they became merely givers.)

so this idea of balance seems to be the way out, at least in my mind. keeping things part "out there" and part "in here." i have a very close friend who recently brought up the topic of desire and how it leads to suffering. i was reminded of so much of the wisdom i've set aside when she did. we were talking about the concept of "just this" and my inclination was to compain that, for me, "just this" sucks right now. but i now realize that i was thinking too shallowly.

example: while i certainly have been engaging in the deepest types of personal drama, life has continued to go on around me. yesterday, in the midst of a tantrum, i walked away from a situation which had me in fits to get a shower. during this shower, i suddenly heard giggling so secretive and sinister, that i immediately became angry. throwing the curtain open, i saw both of my dear children standing in the bathroom. each was wearing one of my shirts with a necktie wrapped around their collars. "good morning daddy! we're daddy," they said. that was an awakening. i closed the curtain and smiled.

how did they know, with their collective 13 years of wisdom, that i needed that? because. like so many other things, we work our whole lives to rid ourselves of the instincts that are not only valuable but totally necessary and important to hold onto! one of these, of course, is balance. when angry, make happy; right???

namaste
M.

slumberhood

2008-03-27T19:29:00.002-05:00

lately, i'm using multiple creative outlets, and i miss the poetry. i haven't really had much to say poetically, but that's different than not wanting to write. there's something so cathartic about putting gallons of emotion into a one ounce metaphor. alas...those things which i have been feeling are truly more intimate than i care to share on the www.

so here is a list of what i've been up to:

this

this

and

this

namaste
M.

king of our lonely mountains

2008-03-19T18:28:00.002-05:00

before i begin this post, i am unreasonably excited...no, compelled to share something i learned today. it seems that there is a definition to an 'exact rhyme'! my partner, M, helped me out with her mad wiki skills in determining some stupid question i had...and here's the result. while there exists what's known as a 'slant' rhyme (words that are kind of a stretch) there is a more concrete rule for determining an exact rhyme. turns out that an exact rhyme is dictated by the occasion in two (or more) words in which the last emphasized vowel and it's following letters produce identical sounds. hence: tomato and potato, in which the first three letters are inconsequential. genius!

and now the real point...

i stumbled upon the greatest blog in human history a few weeks ago. well, perhaps that's a bit of high praise, but i am enamored with NIM's ability to live sustainably. the most recent post is genius. aren't we all on the path of being king of our lonely mountains? yes. yes yes yes. unless of course, you hate al gore (and are completely out of your freaking mind.)

on a completely (is it?) unrelated note: please pray for peace in tibet. and may HH remain steadfast in his role.

namaste
M.

why are we pretending?

2008-03-18T18:05:00.005-05:00

we spend so much time hiding things which eventually become obvious, if not public. why are we pretending? for happiness, i suppose. but isn't happiness puzzling enough? i'm distraught.

in other news, hasn't it been quite a while since anyone might actually want to wear a tee-shirt with the president's face on it? oh, well...you know what i mean.

namaste
M.

chances

2008-03-09T19:16:00.003-05:00

recently, i've been doing a lot of thinking. i have had a ton on my mind, some serious, and some not so. among them is my habit of playing it safe in almost all my decisions in life. i'm not daring enough, something i wanted to concentrate on this year.

this has led to a new song. i tried to record a lot today, but it's not quite right yet. but it will be done pretty soon, i think. in the meantime, i'll continue to try and take some chances.

namaste
M.

yes

2008-03-03T19:03:00.001-06:00

i am looking so deeply into your eyes
waiting
for you to ask.
you are the clearer
thank you have been in ages.
i can not say no.

nineteen ships

2008-02-23T18:37:00.001-06:00

head on over to the myspace to hear the new song.

namaste
M.

air

2008-02-17T11:50:00.002-06:00

i know that
i have
been holding my breath
too long.

now i'm coming up
to see the beach at night
and feel the cool air
bring me
to my senses.

i'll go back under.
but not tonight.

i watch the water

2008-02-12T20:32:00.000-06:00

i watch the water,
rushing by
falling off the edge.
and i know now
how the day will come and go.
waiting for another veil,
enjoying its absence.
i can hear the bells
in reykjavik,
and they are beautiful
but false.
only your words remain:
just this.

like an enso

2008-02-05T20:21:00.000-06:00

i can see the place where i was sitting
weeks ago,
before the fall
which left me limping.

those stones still keeping house
on the embers of what kept me warm.

this time, i will make it count.

that's it.

2008-02-04T18:31:00.000-06:00

someday, i'm going.

heima...in a nutshell

2008-02-01T21:44:00.000-06:00

i laughed...i cried. no, seriously. i did both. and both surprised me. in the basement of the student union...i was the old guy (but not the oldest, i don't think.) S went as well, and we had a good time. the film was as good as i expected. you should check it out if you can.

takk.

namase
M.

what are you waiting for?

2008-01-27T16:10:00.000-06:00

i have mentioned many times how fortunate i am to know so many people of tremendous value. from birth, i have been blessed with a collection of truly caring people in my life. some have been with me on much of my journey, and some -- one in particular, about whom this post is written -- have happened upon the path more recently.

it's peculiar in so many ways, the quickness with which i have come to hold my friend S dearly. our relationship started as coworkers, but we've both mentioned on numerous occasions that
A: we're not much for those boundaries in the first place,
and,
B: we both knew it would go outside them, even if we gave it our all to prevent it from doing so. in short, our connection is one of the most open, sincere things that has happened to either of us -- if not ever, then certainly in recent times.

as some of you may know, S recently made a decision that many of us never do: to chase a dream. while this has caused quite a bit of personal upheaval for me (read: extreme misery), it is certainly the right thing for her. in fact, in some ways, S has done me a huge favor in pushing me toward some much-needed evaluation of my own priorities.

when i started thinking more about her leap of faith, it struck me that she's got the whole "be inspiring" thing nailed. on that she'd argue, which is a testament to her humility. she'd much rather consider herself inspired, methinks. (i'm sure if she ever reads this, she'll insist that we add this topic to a certain list we will probably never finish.) but whichever it is, i recently spent some time thinking about her decision, and the source of her inspiration came easily.

more than many people i know, S has experienced real tragedy. some time ago, she lost her mother to cancer. i didn't know her then, and until saturday, i didn't know anything more about her story.

"will you tell me about your mom?" it didn't even take nerve. again, we're so open. crazy open.

"yeah," she said, and smiled. "i've been thinking a lot about her."

i watched her beam for the next 30 minutes or so, as she told me about jeannie. five feet tall, and not much more...frizzy hair, and no desire to manage it...honest, humble, and sweet... she showed me her favorite picture of her mom. in this photo, she's driving a boat, drinking a beer (complete with styrofoam coozie) , and smiling this amazing smile. as S described the scene, i really felt it playing out...her mom suddenly asking, "can i drive the boat?" that smile could have only been the giddy reaction to someone acquiescing to her request, which prompts S to pantomime the cutest clap i've known in some time.

S tells me about how her mom was the ultimate provider, and the pride she felt for her when she was able to afford herself a luxury here and there, but how she never took them that seriously. when someone spilled wine on the new carpet, her mom merely said, "now i don't have to worry about making the first mess." fantastic.

she tells me about how her parents split up so amicably that she just kind of remembers it as a situation where "one day, they just weren't together." as someone who remembers a divorce in much different context, i can only imagine how much love marty and jean must have acted with. she really puts their marriage into context by explaining how her mom once had to stop her and say something to the effect of "your father and i just had to find a different way to do 'til death do us part.'" and they did.

years later, when S was nursing her mother through the end of her time, she called her dad. he came to help. not because he owed it to her, but because they were friends, and that's what friends do.

after she passed, S held the wake at the local bar. it's what her mom would have wanted. S tells me the story of crazy dave, "that guy" that no one wants to sit next to at the bar. "your mom was one of the few people who were ever nice to me," he says. "can i buy you a drink?" and big bob...who, when S needed boxes to clean out her home, brought a truckful from the pots-and-pans factory where he worked. she didn't need that many boxes, but it's what he had to give.

later saturday night, as S and i sat around talking about something far less important, she took her hair down. i've been pushing her to dread it, as this might be one of her last opportunities in life to go for it. but she said no, not right now. her curls are, i know, a testament to her mom. i don't think i'll mention changing them again.

i've been thinking since then about her inspiration, and her decision. it doesn't seem so tragic now. in fact, it seems more important than ever that she go do what she feels she should. i guess, in a way, it's her mom speaking. and she's saying, "what are you waiting for?"

namaste
M.

a letter i will never send

2008-01-23T19:33:00.000-06:00

this spring frost
is relentless.
my lungs cannot hold
such stiff evening air.
three days on
and only midway up
this,
the steepest slope in months.

i have used the final branch.

2008-01-23T12:02:00.000-06:00

lately, i've been so melancholy, and frankly, i don't see an end to it. it's not a scary thing, nor should it be some worrisome topic. like all things, it just is.

the winter book project is absolutely consuming me. A recommended that i look into some self-publishing in addition to the art book. maybe. don't know. i am feeling that indulgent desperation that i felt while writing the winter poems. actually, i'm feeling indulgent in almost every way. i am feeling unhealthily indulgent. there is a big megaphone one inch from my ear at all times, and the voice is screaming DO IT DUDE!

oh goodness, this is a rough stream. hey. there's a poem.

namaste
M.

not a cave, a tunnel. not a pool, the ocean.

2008-01-21T12:17:00.000-06:00

i know better
than to enter
where you can't see the end.

i am drawn like never before.

"close your eyes.
just breathe."

trust is so peculiar.
how do you know
when you know
what is true?

housekeeping [ed.]

2008-01-20T10:55:00.000-06:00

a couple of notes:

in my previous post, i made mention of my need to be obsessive...without mentioning how lucky i have been to make the right decisions in regards to illicit substances and the like. in retrospect, that might have been a bit of an oversight. i've been clean as a whistle for coming on four years. so thanks, if you were worried.

also, in the piece newness, i inadvertently ripped off most of a dashboard confessional line. it doesn't bother me, but figured i'd get it out in the open before someone else noticed. regardless of your feelings for DC, that dude writes some meaningful stuff...some.

lastly, if you haven't been to the winter book project yet, wtf? i thought you liked me.

namaste
M.

obsession is delicious candy

2008-01-18T18:18:00.000-06:00

here's something i probably didn't need to say out loud: i am an obsessive type. when i find something that i like, i do it, and do it, and do it. even if it's just a feeling, i go all-in. i'm sure there's some chart for this sort of thing among you psychologists out there. some "early peak" syndrome, where you can explain how i wore out my copy of static prevails (on tape...represent) in the first three weeks, but then only listened to it like once a week, and eventually disregarded it for clarity (on cd...sellout.)

when i grew my first beard, i got some ingrowns...so i picked them. here i am 15 years later with a serious disorder that i am struggling to beat. yes, i am obsessive.

but when i examine myself, my favorite thing might be my ability to throw caution to the wind and be impulsive...repeatedly. i've been picking up the pieces of what's been an earthquake kind of week, and i'm coming to the understanding that there are some obsessions that i can't quench. circumstances just don't always allow you to go whole hog, right? true dat.

in any case, there is more to this story, but nothing that i can drum up now. i suppose i'll listen to america for the umteenth time. it's digital. it won't wear. shame.

wow, this actually shaped up to be a blog post.

not swimming (drowning)

2008-01-17T21:35:00.000-06:00

i want to dive in,
head first.
i want to not think,
and not care,
and not know what's coming.
i want to feel covered.
every bit of my warm skin,
aching with your cool touch.
wrapped up in your hold,
knowing it is all wrong,
feeling it is the only way.

alas...a venue

2008-01-16T18:41:00.000-06:00

as i just told her, i'm crazy excited (even if this oncoming cold makes me sound contrary.)

lately, i've thought a lot about how much poetry has helped me decide on things, and it seems (maybe not so coincidentally) that i've gotten a lot of fan mail. so, it dawned upon me that there might be some value in publicizing this poetry thing. to get published? kind of hard, kind of passe, no? but then i had this idea to create some other medium with words. what would that look like, i wondered. duh. my good friend A is a handmade affish. and she's bomb. (sometime i'll show you my necktie bracelets, and you'll agree.)

and so we've begun what we're calling the winter book project. essentially, i'll comb my winter poems, and she'll do something far more awesome with them than they really merit.

she was wise in insisting on no limits. i knew i asked the right person for help.

follow our progress, or at least our ramblings, here.

namaste
M.

moved the clouds

2008-01-16T16:52:00.000-06:00

you moved the clouds
from this mid-may sun.
i had forgotten it's warmth.

the city

2008-01-16T12:48:00.000-06:00

i remember the city.
the way we held each other
in stupid french films.
how the smell of asphault
tempts me now.

why did i ever come out here?

apparently, i'm awesome

2008-01-15T21:00:00.000-06:00

a friend asked me today why i don't accept comments on my blog, because she apparently really likes my work and wants to shower me with her affection. it was news to me that this blog doesn't allow comments. having inspected the blogger features, i find no evidence to suggest i've deactivated them. i suppose this is par for the course in me getting praise, but would love to know whether you visit and/or like the poems. if you care to, you can leave a myspace message, i suppose.

okay. that's it.

namaste
M.

newness

2008-01-15T17:18:00.000-06:00

waiting for dawn,
even blinking seems slower.
breathing is a foreign thing,
and i am looking down.

these leaves will always remind me of six miles.

trees

2008-01-13T20:53:00.000-06:00

(for my friend)

they are more powerful than we will ever know.
even the most firmly rooted
will eventually fall to the wind.
but in its life,
standing tall and proud,
it will never stop reaching for the sun.
when it finally moves on,
a million saplings will find their legs
in the space where its once mighty shadow
lay across the ground.
and tonight,
as i lie dormant in that same space,
i find myself not so different
than those.
under this canopy,
my own soul grows.

is it any wonder
i have fallen in love
with this forest?

gazing on mountains

2008-01-13T10:23:00.000-06:00

i have broken
from my ranting
long enough
to stop
and gaze on mountains.

they are days away
from where i sit,
foggy breath
rising.

in a moment,
it hits me.

all the distance in the world
won't change the fact
that we share the same sky.

words are an anchor

2008-01-12T12:55:00.000-06:00

it's amazing that we've come this far over two-thousand-plus years, and that we are still so bound to our words. i have had the kind of time lately, where words are not enough to say all the things i need. i ran out of those days ago. and i have this longing to give more. a need, really. i need to find something else to say. not, as you might suggest, because i haven't put my finger on it. oh, i nailed it. but this need for more words is out of pure despair. this is what i call suffering. if i ever make you feel as if letting go is easy, you have my permission to punch me in the guts.

ash in my eyes

2008-01-10T20:01:00.000-06:00

these eyes are tired
of watching the embers
of what was supposed to be
fade only to ashes.

this blackest night

2008-01-08T21:39:00.000-06:00

this blackest night
makes the stars shine brighter
and the sky seems closer.

so do you.

the lake

2008-01-06T12:35:00.000-06:00

i come to you
seeking stillness.
watching your million ripples,
i know what you're saying.

i will watch you jump

2008-01-02T17:55:00.001-06:00

from behind this stone, i can see you running
at top speed.
screaming
for anyone to help.
and i cannot get to you in time
to tell you
that the land falls away.

i would keep you safe if you would let me.

nutshells

2008-01-01T10:38:00.000-06:00

i love nutshells. there's something so right about simplifying ideas which are really very complex and packaging them up in easily digestible doses. perhaps that's why i love the wisdom of the dharma so much.

as we enter this new year, i have some reflections and some hopes. (i won't call them resolutions. resolutions take resolve, and as you'll see with my first reflection, mine is still a work in progress.) although they are probably more complex than i can write here, i'll give you the nutshells.

reflections:
i am beginning to understand the strength of mental discipline. 2007 was kind of a breakout year for me in that regard. i did many things that seemed impossible before. as you might expect, they seem like small milestones in retrospect. but each of these things required mental discipline, and although i may be selling myself short, i didn't have as much as i'd like.

perspective is more important than even i thought. those who know me will easily say that i am nearly chronic about how much i give the benefit of the doubt. where most people see two sides to a story, i often see eleven, and i can make a case for any of them being true. i am a classic mediator in this sense (or totally non-confrontational, take your pick.) but as 2007 came to a close, i was lucky that a few relationships in my life helped me focus on the simple truth: the only perspective that matters is the biggest one you are capable of. in other words, think as globally as possible, regardless of whether it benefits your own path.

balance is the way. i've written countless posts on this blog about how much i've supposedly figured out, and i can't tell you whether any of them make sense to me now. but i can say that 2007 helped me understand that there are times when you must absolutely take every precaution, make sure of each detail, and ensure every string is tied; and, there are times when you should absolutely eat chocolate for breakfast, get the mail in your pajamas, and sleep naked.

so my hopes for 2008:
i hope i...
...continue to learn and embrace the knowledge that no one ever dies knowing everything.
...release myself from my opinions. the energy we waste on judgment is better spent elsewhere.
...take advantage of every opportunity, even if i make ten times as many mistakes.
...make more art. it's like oxygen.
...spend less time being temperamental.
...sit more zazen.
...beat the trich. forever.
...care less about football and more about volunteering.
...worry less about arriving, and more about noticing the sights.
...stop being inspired and start being inspiring.
...give every ounce i have.

namaste
M.

more on the trich

2007-12-30T20:31:00.000-06:00

today has been the most challenging day thus far of my self-imposed therapy. i broke off part of a whisker, and the feeling was one of huge disappointment. in being honest with myself, i've still made tremendous progress, and continue to give a good effort on distracting myself from the impulse to pull.

i worked on the website almost all day, and i think my mind got away from me quite a bit in that time. i am happy with what i've gotten put together, and feel quite the contrary with yahoo! who apparently dealt my domain name to a third party after i suspended it in 2006. that was added stress to my mindlessness. in any case, it might be a few more weeks than i would like to get the broadcast up now. in the meantime, i will entertain suggestions for alternate domain names here. no, bignudebroadcast.com will not make the cut. sorry.

namaste
M.

the wind

2007-12-28T20:08:00.000-06:00

like the wind,
i am pressing.

i am hot air swirling
and cold air hiding.

my face burns
against this bitter gale.

but i will not seek shelter
and i will not retreat.

like the wind,
i am finding space where there is none.

big new broadcast dot com

2007-12-27T09:43:00.000-06:00

friends,
i'll soon be launching the new bignewbroadcast.com and will be moving all poetry to that site, freeing up this blog for rants referencing the upcoming presidential election and my own spiritual growth. some of you might hate that. some of you will probably think it's a refreshing return to the way this blog started. in either case, i am trying to consolidate my art onto the main site, and thereby will move the poems.
in the meantime, i'll continue to post poems here.

in other news, i'm compelled to share that after a pretty severe freak out about 12 days ago, i did some research on the trich, from which i've suffered for years. i learned about something called "closed-hand therapy" in which you fight the impulse to pull by simply forming a fist. it's really helped. i am happily pull-free for 7 days, and R has encouraged me to grow a celebratory beard. so far, so good. for those of you who know my struggle, i thought you'd like the update.

namaste
M

i am not tired

2007-12-18T21:49:00.000-06:00

i know what you would tell me if you were here
go to sleep
but i am not tired

i know that i will be sorry tomorrow
but that is tomorrow
tonight there is work to do

i have never wanted more to be in your arms

eyes half open

2007-12-17T18:07:00.000-06:00

this is my favorite feeling
with eyes half open
waking from something
anticipating
accepting anything
but knowing sleep is behind me now
i could be content
to live this way forever

the bank

2007-12-15T19:43:00.000-06:00

there is an old stone bridge
between me
and the place
where i spent the winter

i have been gone now
only for days
but it seems years
since anyone has warmed
this shell

the river is rushing
i stand on the bank
and stare across

stones are shifting
my small boot aches to push it over
i cannot lift a foot

i should let the river carry me away

untitled

2007-12-13T19:37:00.000-06:00

i have marked this tree
with this knife
so many times.
it's nearly fallen.

2007 year in review

2007-12-08T12:16:00.001-06:00

it seemed to me that, if i was going to post a non-poem for a change, it made sense to start compiling my annual list of things that i took note of in the past year (or eleven months, i guess.) i suppose what 2007 has taught me more than anything is that most of the limits we face in our lives are self-imposed. we can, in fact, do anything we put our minds to (if we can get our minds to let us.) with that, i'll try to not limit the observations on this list with opinions about them. yes, i know. this might be the only annual review blog without a britney reference. but i'm okay with that.

2007.

poems are good. very, very good.
it's not as cold here as you might think.
the housing market is bad. very, very bad.
there is, in fact, a market for teaching people to make coffee on the internet.
i have grown.
true (true) friends don't come along very often.
i don't care enough to lose the weight.
or to stop pulling hair.
or to keep my patience.
yet.
target beats wal mart.
black coffee is worth it.
so is espresso.
disney world is worth every bloodsucking cent.
art has become less interesting (unless you look hard.)
making interesting art has become more important.
go ahead. think you're attractive. it's okay.
i am a good dad.
i was a bad pet owner.
my best friend can do anything.
transformers still kick ass.
the dharma is always there.
even tiny progress is progress.
mike tomlin is not the man i thought he was.
i like my hair longer.
the world is catching up, slowly but surely.
i trust obama just to look at him.
i heart diet coke.
carpet between the toes is like a long lost lover.
top the tater (yinz don't know what yinz is missing.)
being nice can change someone's life.
if the police can get back together, i can make a record.
if journey can find their singer on youtube, i better make a record quick.
i am a restaurant addict.
everything you do should be approached with love.
even with your in-laws.
housework takes half the time you imagine.
slowing down is underrated.
babies are awesome.
sometimes one thousand miles feels like five.
sometimes it feels like five million.
i should've made "who england?" tee-shirts in 31 other colors.
clear channel is not the devil.
in some ways, we are always on stage.
i.e. is not the same as e.g., and the great ones know it.
lemons and pineapples go great together.
crockett and tubbs do too.
no one has a year's worth of "indulgent desperation."
the lion eventually comes.
no thank you, metrodome.
it's okay to find certain things sexy. very sexy, even.
jimmy eat world, what happened?
sigur ros, i heart heart heart you.
freedom is not something that the government can give you
and it never, ever will be.
i love the minnesota sky.
i am as lucky as i've ever been.

namaste
M.

there are stars

2007-12-03T21:45:00.000-06:00

there are more stars than we can ever count
in this sky.
no blanket
and we don't mind the grass is wet or cold.
we stare heavenward
in silence.
there will be a time, i think,
when east may be the way you go.
"i think i may never go to sleep," you say.
i glance.
we smile.
silence resumes.
oh, there are stars.

sun like a sponge

2007-11-29T21:12:00.000-06:00

i am sitting here
baking,
soaking up sun like a sponge.
which of us is moving
and which is waiting?

a robin plucks its breakfast from a burnt stump
and i say a prayer.

out the sleep

2007-11-20T19:08:00.000-06:00

out the sleep from your eyes.
none of us is ever standing still.
this river cannot stop its moving.
this sun can't stop from burning.
you there!
out the sleep from your wintertime eyes
and move the beetle from your path.
you will not always wake at morning.

i am finally okay

2007-11-10T16:14:00.000-06:00

i have made ammends
with myself
i have forgiven
instincts of resentment
i have embraced the sunlight
and i am okay

i move from the clearing
where i spent the winter
mostly in darkness
knowing my suffering
was only a touch

strangely, i can not see it from one hundred feet down this path

april

2007-10-26T18:05:00.000-05:00

she is man's greatest weakness
too good to be true

"just take a nice deep breath,
and you will feel much better."

our fire is vacant

this is not snow, but rain

i am supposed to feel promise
but the robin has not yet begun to sing

i will not open my eyes

2007-10-18T21:32:00.000-05:00

this could be the best time of my life
and though i hear you laughing
and speaking
i cannot see
nor hear

i will not open my eyes
i will not open my eyes

is this the lion coming?

2007-10-17T23:22:00.000-05:00

there is something different this morning.
you say it's nothing.
i am unnerved.

where is the crispness of autumn
and all of its familar despair?

i hear the rushing of rivers.

i swear
if i did not know better
we are leaving these trees behind
and walking straight into the sun.

frozen feet

2007-09-17T19:14:00.000-05:00

there is a storm
on its way
and we are miles
from anywhere

i am begging
and you are crying
and it's so that i can't move

"please let me help you."
and you just breathe harder

here's to you, endless november

2007-09-10T20:53:00.000-05:00

there is something i've been meaning to say.
you are not going to like it.
but petals fall
on my tongue
and steal my speech
before it's made.
i am laying
bright sky staring
me in the face
in the only clearing
i can find.
this is everything i have ever wanted.

tension

2007-09-07T19:03:00.000-05:00

sleet in my eyes
i press forward
into the wind
like your cold arms
pushing back
the night i told you
this wasn't working
and you couldn't have
all that you wanted

patience

2007-09-06T20:41:00.000-05:00

trees everywhere
just breathe
panic exits
pull the cork
from your spine
close your eyes
wiggle your toes
there is a path
only found
by waiting